


Till the Darkness Dies

by mywritingbox



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 05:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12474384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mywritingbox/pseuds/mywritingbox
Summary: Nesta’s battle against her inner demons and how she feels about Cassian.I identify with Nesta in many ways and I just love reading about her coming to terms with the way she feels about things so here’s my spin on it. SO much longer than I thought it would be haha.





	Till the Darkness Dies

Nesta clenched and unclenched her fists several times as she stood in the archway before the dining room of the House of Wind. A while had gone by since the end of the war and yet...she was still having a difficult time adjusting.

She had planned to ask Feyre for a place today but everyone else was there. Everyone was constantly there after the war; the panic of them at the brink of death had them always together. But she hated the way she still didn’t feel like she fit in with them.

More significantly, she hated that  _he_  would be there and they had yet to discuss  _that_ moment in the battle and all the aftermath of it.

She didn’t want to deal with it today.  She just wanted some peace.

Sighing, Nesta stepped into the dining room.

“Hello.” she greeted and everyone down the table expressed their greeting in return. Elain and Lucien seated next to each other and because of Elain’s flushed cheeks and wide smile that matched Lucien’s, she didn’t narrow her eyes at the sight. Azriel nodded and Mor gave her a small smile then resumed their conversation. Amren gave her a wink and Rhys a dip of his head.

Feyre patted the seat next to her and Nesta moved. She didn’t see if  _he_  had greeted her and told herself that she didn’t care if he did or not and wouldn’t look at him --- But her eyes betrayed her as she took her seat and found that he was staring right at her.

She flushed and quickly lowered her eyes to her plate, hating that he could see how she felt and the look he had given her.

Confusion. Longing.

He had  _no right_  to look at her that way.

Nesta gripped the fork and swallowed. She really didn’t want to be angry today. She was tired of being angry. All she wanted was a peaceful evening with the group. For once.

“You look nice, Nesta. The color suits you.”

Feyre’s voice shook her out of her thoughts and she flushed again, looking at her younger sister who was smiling at her.

“Oh. Thank you.” Nesta answered quietly, aware that  _his_  eyes were still on her. So, Nesta turned to look her sister over. “You look nice as well...you always do.”

Feyre’s smile widened and she reached out to Nesta’s free hand and squeezed. “Thanks, Nes.” she replied and Nesta gave her a small smile. “But I have to say, out of us sisters, you bring out something special in everything that you wear.”

Nesta chuckled. “Is this High Lady sweet talk?”

“Maybe.” Feyre said with a laugh. “I mean it though!”

“Guess Rhys really has influenced you in every way.”

“Oh no, sister in law,” Rhysand interrupted, leaning close enough to nudge Feyre with his shoulder. “Your sister’s mouth was always wicked. You should hear the things she says behind closed doors.”

“I most definitely don’t want to hear about that.” Nesta replied with a snort as Feyre shoved Rhys with a huff, causing him to laugh.

Conversation resumed around the table as the food was served but Nesta’s eyes turned back to the High Lord and Lady and her gaze softened. They have been through hell and back and Feyre --- it hit Nesta again how  _young_  Feyre had been when everything had happened...her youngest sister deserved all the happiness in the world. She deserved a love like this and a life like this.

Nesta took a small bite from her meal as her eyes drifted to her other sister and her mate. It had taken Elain a bit to adjust to Lucien in her life but he had been patient and kind in every way. Nesta would always give him credit for that despite her reservations. The two were wrapped up in each other, deep in conversation. And though Nesta had been  _very_  wary of him, she couldn’t deny how well they matched and got along. Elain had been looking for the sun and found it in Lucien. This of course, didn’t stop Nesta from calling him names but she was nicer to him -- for Elain’s sake.

She let her eyes fall back to her plate and held back a sigh. Her sisters were well adjusted and moving forward with themselves. But she? She didn’t fit any mold. She couldn’t adjust.

Her fingers tightened around the fork again and she knew why she couldn’t adjust. The reason was sitting at this table.

The powers that the Cauldron had given her had stopped bothering her (she was actually able to take baths now) and she was getting used to and happy with her body. Nesta had fallen in love with Velaris and had even started volunteering at the library because she loved it so much but connecting with others? That had been more difficult.

After everything had settled down postwar, Nesta had pulled both her sisters in a room and the three finally talked. About everything. They had let it all out. It had resulted in some yelling and a lot of tears but when the three of them laid in bed together that night, a reminder of the one other time they had, a large weight had been lifted off each of their shoulders, especially Nesta’s. It had been a chance for her to start over with the others. And she had.

Rhysand was easier to talk to then she had previously expected. Azriel’s presence was more comforting. Mor’s personality bright and warm though a little awkwardness still remained. Amren was still her favorite just because she put up with everyone just about as much as Nesta did. She and Lucien had even found common ground.

But him.

_Him._

He was a problem.

Nesta’s gut tightened and she placed her fork back on the table. It was getting harder and harder to be around him. They hadn’t  _talked._  If anything, they danced around each other; sometimes he avoided her and sometimes she avoided him.

_Why should I care? He means nothing to me._

She found herself thinking that half the time but then the other half of her --

_He does matter to you. You were going to die with him. He means more to you than you think._

Nesta shook her and picked up her fork again. She’d try to act normal. At least until she figured out when she could find a place to hide away in for a while.

“Nesta, you alright?”

Nesta turned to look at Feyre, who was giving her a concerned look and Nesta gave her another small smile.

“I’m okay. Just thinking.” she replied. “But I want to ask you something when you have a minute.”

“Sure. Once we’re done dinner.”

~

“I...want out for a bit.”

Dinner had finished and as Nesta tiptoed around Cassian and he tiptoed around her, she was practically begging Feyre to move away from the group. Feyre blinked at her statement.

“Okay. What...did you have in mind?”

Nesta bit her lip then held out her hands with a shrug. “I don’t know. Somewhere where I can just think.” she said, her tone clipped. “Somewhere where I can just…”

_Not feel so lonely._

_Not have to see him._

“I just...is there a place? To...gather myself?” Nesta finished quietly and Feyre gave her a soft smile.

“I know just the place.”

~

Nesta stepped into the cabin and her gaze was drawn right to the eyes painted above her. She swallowed when they reached the hazel ones she knew were meant to be his.

She turned back to her sister who was watching her. “What is this place?”

Feyre chuckled then took a seat on the couch. “This cabin has been a refuge for us all at some point.” she said, smiling fondly as she glanced around at all the painting she had done. “It’s a place to just be ourselves.”

Nesta nodded then pointed to the eyes painted above the archway. “I’m assuming this is your work.”

“Yes.” she replied and stood up, walking over to her sister. “I came here the day I found out that Rhys was my mate. He knew. Mor and Amren knew but he hadn’t told me and I...freaked out.”

Nesta’s eyes shifted from the hazel ones on the wall to her sister, who was running a hand through her hair.

“I was here for a few days, figuring myself out before he came and we talked.” Feyre continued. “Then I accepted the bond and...here we are.”

Nesta’s lip twitched. “I’m assuming every surface here has been violated by you and Rhys?”

Feyre gave her sister a look then rolled her eyes. “While you’re here, this place is spelled to provide you with all your needs. All you have to do is think it.”

“Anything?” Nesta asked with a raised brow.

“I believe so.” Feyre replied with a identical brow raise.

Nesta’s lips twitched again as she thought about how much she just absolutely  _needed_  a box of chocolates at this very moment. Her eyes widened in delight as a box materialized on the table and Feyre laughed.

“You know, I hadn’t thought of chocolate.”

Nesta just shook her head and smiled. “Chocolate, sister, is always a priority.”

“I’ll check on you after three days?” Feyre asked with a smile and Nesta shook her head.

“Seven.”

“A week? You sure?”

“Positive...Thank you, Feyre.”

Feyre just walked over to her sister and gave her a tight hug that Nesta gently returned, squeezing her. “If you need me before, the cabin will provide you with a paper and pen that’ll send me a message. Enjoy.”

Nesta turned to look over the cabin again as the door closed and Feyre left. Her eyes fell back on the hazel ones painted above and she let out a sigh.

Maybe she should’ve talked to him sooner. But now there was too much time between them. Maybe the distance would be a good thing.

 _No matter._  She thought to herself as she explored, box of chocolates in her hand.  _I’ve come to just enjoy myself. I won’t think about him._

The first two days, that mindset worked. She spent it dipped in a glorious bubble bath with water that stayed warm, reading. She read in the tub, she read in the bed, she read in front of the fire. She had sat in different flowy and soft dresses with her hair hanging loosely down her back for the first time in years.

The third day, it got a little trickier. Her eyes kept flickering back to his hazel ones on the wall and she huffed, annoyed. She didn’t want to think of him. It had been too long since she’d had peace and quiet to herself where she can just enjoy her time. She read her books, watched the snow fall through the window with her cups of hot cocoa and chocolate then soaked in the bath some more. She wondered if he thought of her.

Nesta’s face flushed, thinking of him while lying in a bath. Naked. She wondered if he had ever thought of her that way.

 _He’s a pig. Of course he has_. She thought to herself. Then said it out loud since no one could hear her. This caused her to scowl. He wasn’t a pig but he was a male. And she  _was_  beautiful.

“Why am I even having this argument with myself?” she muttered, later that day as she wrapped a blanket around herself, trying to sleep. “I don’t need him.”

~

“I need wine.”

Sure enough, a soft thud on the table told her her needs had been met on the fourth day of her retreat and she grinned in delight.

“Thank you, oh wondrous cabin.”

Grabbing the bottle, she padded to the couch by the window and sat, curling her legs underneath her. She had opted for just the leggings and a sweater instead of her usual dresses and Nesta felt absolutely scandalous. Popping the cork, she took a swing straight from the bottle and held it in front of her.

“You have indeed unleashed yourself, Nesta.” she spoke aloud to herself after she drained half the bottle. “Leggings...wine straight from the bottle...boxes and boxes of chocolate...and hair not once in a braid. You uncivilized swine.”

Then she burst into giggles. Oh she was enjoying herself. And not once, had she thought of  _him._

She scowled as her eyes instantly went to his hazel ones painted above.

“Well  _now_  I’m thinking of you, you stupid brute.”

Nesta downed the rest of the bottle and then stood up as another appeared on the table.

“You stupid, dumb, handsome bat.” she hissed, pointing a finger at his hazel eyes before grabbing the second bottle and popping it open. “I let you kiss me. I saved your life! I was going to die for you!”

She took another swing and shuddered gently. “I was going to die for you and you couldn’t even talk to me afterwards.” she whispered.

Nesta spent the rest of that day, wrapped in the bed, wine and chocolate in hand. Thinking about all the ways the two of them had failed each other.

~

The morning of the fifth day, Nesta woke slowly. She washed her face, her mouth, and ran her fingers through her loose hair. Maybe she would wear it down more often. It looked so nice.

She made herself some breakfast and as she sat down to eat, her eyes once again flickering to his hazel ones.

“I don’t hate you.” she said, after she had swallowed her first bite. “I just wish we didn’t have to be so awkward. I wish we could talk without me feeling like I’m doing to die.”

That day was spent between the pages of a book, with more chocolate and wine but Nesta was distracted, her thoughts from the previous night haunting her.

Maybe she did need him. A lot more than she would want to admit.

She was terrified. When had he grown to be this important to her?  _When?_

One moment they were going to throttle each other the next, they were going to walk through death together.

Nesta wanted to be wrapped in his arms and never let go but she also wanted to punch him in the face. She wanted to talk to him but what if he didn’t want to talk to her?

She thought of the look he had given her a few days ago at dinner. What did that mean if he didn’t follow up with action?

Why was he longing for her when he couldn’t even  _talk_  to her?

Nesta had tried. But he always ran off.

To Mor. To Azriel. To Rhys. To Feyre.

Which was fine. They were his friends and family, after all.

But he never came to her.

And why did it bother her so much?

“Because I love him and I hate that he might not love me back.” she whispered into the night, curled on her side in a ball, blinking back tears that were threatening to escape.

She was used to feeling unwanted and disliked. What if it was just that one thing driving him? Like it drives all males? Like  _Thomas._

Nesta sniffled then rolled her eyes at her own thoughts. Cassian was nothing like that trash bag. Cassian was ten times the man that Thomas could ever hope to be.

And yet. Doubt drowned her. Why?  _Why_ would he be attracted to her? She wasn’t the most likeable person and she was fine with that. So why was he attracted to her? Was it because they were meant to be more and that was it?

She fell asleep, her dreams bringing out all the things she didn’t dare voice aloud to anyone, especially herself.

Cassian was the biggest need of all.

~

She jolted awake at the loud thud that came from the front door. Quickly, she washed her face and mouth and smoothed her hair as she cautiously approached the door.

Had Feyre come early?

Slowly, she opened the door, half hiding behind it and her eyes widened as she took in Cassian, standing in front of her, a confused look on his face.

The walls she had let down the past few days came rising back up instantly and Nesta narrowed her eyes at him. “What are you doing here?”

“I...don’t know.” he answered, scratching his head. “One minute I’m eating breakfast in the townhouse and the next I’m here.”

Nesta stared him down. She could invite him in and they  _could_  talk...but she could also invite him in and then he  _wouldn’t_  talk and it’ll make everything worse and then ---

Fear won and Nesta snarled at him, “Well, go away! I don’t want you here!”

He glared at her then spat, “Fine.” Launching himself into the sky and far, far away from her.

She shut the door and stood against it, breathing in and out.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” she mumbled and paced around for a few minutes. That was  _so_  stupid of her. Why hadn’t she just let him in? They  _needed_  to talk.  Cassian wasn’t a bad person. He wouldn’t try to hurt her on purpose.

“But your feelings have been hurt by him multiple times.” she said, convincing herself and then paused. “But  _you_ also hurt  _his_  feelings.”

She groaned then let out a scream. “You hurt everyone’s feelings, Nesta!”

“Nes?”

Her head whipped towards the door and the muffled voice that called her name.

He was back.

Why?

Slowly, she went to the door again and opened it slightly. “What?” she asked quietly and Cassian crossed his arms, giving her a smirk.

“You do know this house is spelled to provide you with whatever you  _need_ , right?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes, cheeks flushing, catching onto what he meant. “Yes. What I need is peace and quiet. You will provide me with neither. So go away.”

The two stared at each other for a few minutes before Cassian sighed.

“I can’t.” he said softly. “We need to talk.”

“Do we now?” she snarled softly. “What changed your mind?”

He rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t be here unless  _you_  needed  _me._  And I’ve been looking for some way for us to talk for weeks. I need you too...Can I come in? Please?”

She stared at him and bit her lip. A few minutes ago she was yelling about pushing him away...maybe this time…

“Fine.”

Nesta moved away from the door and Cassian let himself in, surveying the room and Nesta felt how his eyes fell on her -- her leggings -- the hair --

“Shit, Nes.”

Her cheeks flushed again and she self-consciously started braiding her hair again but he gently reached out to stop her. “I -- I didn’t have time to change...I just woke up.” she said lamely but he continued to stare.

“I...You look beautiful in everything but…,” he started, taking in the lower half of her body that was usually hidden by her dresses. “I love the casual on you.”

She scowled, more at herself for enjoying the compliment than at him for giving her one. “Thank you.” she said stiffly.

The two stood awkwardly staring at each other and Nesta willed herself not to huff as his hand fell from hers.

“So…” Cassian said, lightly tapping his fist to his side as he scanned the room and she flushed as his eyes fell towards the  _many_  wine bottles and boxes of chocolate she had stacked in a neat pile of trash.

“So.”

“Did you have breakfast yet?” he asked, the corner of his mouth lifting at her clipped tone.

“No.”

“Good. I’ll make us some since  _someone_  interrupted my breakfast.” he said with a grin and moved past her.  She instantly curled her fists and glared at him.

“That wasn’t my fault. This stupid cabin doesn’t know what I meant.”

Cassian turned to look at her from his spot behind the counter with a raised brow. “And what exactly did you mean, sweetheart?”

Her glare remained as she took a seat, watching him move about, as if he did this everyday.

“You know how to cook?”

Cassian looked over his shoulder and chuckled. “Yes. I enjoy it.” he replied. “Answer my question.”

Nesta pursed her lips. “I was just thinking about everyone else eating breakfast. I didn’t expect anyone to actually come here.”

Cassian grinned and Nesta couldn’t decide if she wanted to kiss his mouth or punch it.

“Now, now, Nesta. You don’t have to lie. It’s okay to say you missed me and wanted my company.”

She snorted and her anger flared up. “We’ve ignored each other completely for the past few weeks. Why would I miss you?”

This made Cassian pause and she watched his expression fall before turning back to his kitchen duty.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Nesta’s anger died down at those words and she watched him, biting her lip. This was why she should stay away. She didn’t really know how to be nice. Or how to be soft. She wouldn’t even know how to  _try_  and be that for him if she wanted to. If he wanted her to.

Cassian turned and his eyes met hers, taking in her expression and Nesta quickly looked away. She didn’t want him to know how badly she was battling herself. But it was like he knew. He always knew.

“You know, I learned how to cook from Rhys’s mom.” he said into the silence that followed his previous statement and Nesta looked up at him as he shuffled around the small kitchen. “She taught me all the basic things. As a bastard little nobody, you took every learning opportunity you could get. Never know when it’ll benefit you.”

He gave her a half smile at that and Nesta bit back her own.

“When I got older and had my own place, I took it upon myself to learn how to cook as many things as I could.” He continued and she watched him. “It became a way for me to relax. I’ve had a lot of fun with it.”

And because she scared he would see how endearing she found him in this moment, she cleared her throat and said, “Are you actually any good?”

He laughed softly then turned to give her a wink. “I guess we’ll find out in a little bit, won’t we?”

She glared at him again till he turned back around then Nesta let her eyes soften, drinking in his every movement.

_I could get used to this._

_No you can’t, Nesta. Shut up._

_But he knows how to cook...and he looks so good doing it._

_So? You can’t even talk to him properly._

_We don’t have to talk. We can just do._

_That’s stupid, Nesta. Get it together. He’s been here for two minutes._

_But he’s so handsome. And he’s actually kind._

_He’s stupid._

_No he’s not._

_Shut up, please._

_You like him._

_Shut up._

_You love him._

_Shut. Up. Nesta._

“You don’t need to tell yourself to shut up, Nes. I could do that for you.”

Nesta’s cheeks burned as she realized the last part of her inner monologue had been blurted out.

“Shut your fat mouth.” she hissed at him and he just gave her his shit-eating grin as he started to set the table.

“Was that directed towards you or me this time?”

“You, you annoying bat.” she snarled and he had the audacity to chuckle.

Cassian rolled his eyes as he paused and leaned against the table. “Tell me, Nesta, have you been talking to yourself the whole time you’ve been here? That’s not a good sign.”

It was Nesta’s turn to roll her eyes. “Mind your business.”

“That’s what happens when your diet consists of wine and chocolate. You start to lose it.”

“Shut. Up.”

“Don’t worry, Cassian is here to give you the good stuff.”

“Nothing good comes from you.”

“Can’t decide that till you’ve actually tried it, Nes.”

“Don’t make me throw something at you.”

“I’ll even let you decide which good stuff you want first, my body or the food.”

She snorted and glared at him yet again, as he laughed.

“Am I starting to annoy you, Nesta? You know you’re being really mean to me. I’m being a good person and making you breakfast but you’re not being nice.”

“I’m not nice.”

“Yes, you are.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know you more than you think.”

Nesta scoffed. “You know nothing.”

Cassian pursed his lips then turned from her, settling the food on two plates and it was then, with his back to her that she let herself frown.

She was so fucken scared. Nesta was so scared to be nice for one moment and the worst to come from it. She was awful to him. Awful to everyone. Why would he stay? What could he possibly want?

She blinked when a plate full of delicious looking food was placed in front of her and Nesta almost groaned in delight at the smell.

“Thank you.” she said quietly, her eyes on the plate. She heard Cassian’s chair shuffle and then him as he settled himself, his eyes glued on her.

“You’re welcome.”

A silence fell between them again, neither one of them touching their plates.

What would she say? She had thought about all the things she would or could say to him the past few days and yet, here he was in front of her and all the words had abandoned her.

“Nesta, look at me.”

She bit her lip and blinked rapidly. It was so damn hard to resist him, especially when he spoke to her like that. Softly, tenderly, with such care.

“Why?” she whispered to him, meeting his gaze. “Why are you here? Why do you care?”

“Because I love you.”

He said it so simply. As if it wouldn’t tear her in two. As if they were the easiest words to fall off his lips.

“Why?” she managed to choke out and he gave her a small smile.

“Because you drive me crazy.” he replied, again, simply. As if he was just stating the obvious truth.

Nesta felt the tears building up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

“You just like the challenge.” she said, her tone tight. “The chase.”

“Yes, that’s true. I do like those.” he said and nodded. She looked at him incredulously.

“So that’s what it is? A game?” she hissed, hating herself that her walls were so thin her bottom lip was trembling, even as her hands curled into fists on the table. “A game to see if you could win over the ice queen? The bitchy, vicious Nesta?”

His hand quickly crossed the table to grip hers but she pulled back, shooting up from her seat as though she’d been burned.

“I -- I -- we were going to die together!” she snarled, her eyes wild. “I wanted to sacrifice myself for you and you -- you -- all this is just because you want what doesn’t want you!”

“That’s not true.” he growled at her, shooting up from his own seat and making his way to her. “I wasn’t finished.”

“I don’t care!”

“But I do!” and his snarl shook the mountains around them and rendered her silent as she watched him. Nesta watched as he glanced at her with pain and panic in his eyes, his hands running through his hair and eyes darting all over the room, as if trying to find a place to settle.

“I love you. I love you to the point that I have a hard time breathing when I’m away from you, Nesta.” he said quietly. “I love that you challenge me. You keep me on my toes. You’re smart, beautiful, and powerful. You’re blunt and honest. You don’t take shit from anyone and I love that about you.”

He ran a hand through his hair again and met her eyes this time.

“I see you. All of you. I see how this scares you. The idea of us.” he continued and shuddered. “I know you felt something between us the moment we met. When you were still human. I couldn’t stay away from you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Why?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “I was awful.”

“No, you weren’t.” he replied, moving closer to her. “You love fiercely and that makes you a force to be reckoned with. You feel everything so much to the point that you think it’s too much and then deny anyone else from seeing you feel those things. But I see you, Nesta. I see it all. And I want you to share that with me. Let me in, Nesta.”

Nesta glanced at him and let the words he was saying sink in. She hadn’t realized tears had started streaming down her face till then and she furiously wiped them away.

“But you stopped talking to me.” she whispered, looking at him angrily through her tears. “I -- I wanted this. I wanted you! But you...you made it clear you didn’t want me.”

He shook his head and moved even closer to her, till his hands came up to cup her face. “No...I was scared and embarrassed. I thought you would be better off without me.”

She scoffed and pulled away, wiping the fresh tears on her face. “Why would you think that?”

“I failed you. Multiple times. I failed you.” he whispered and Nesta saw the haunted look in his face. “Every promise I made you, I broke it. I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t protect you. What would you want with me?”

“I want everything with you, you stupid brute!” she snarled. “You’re my mate!”

Cassian froze and Nesta took that time to try and control her heavy breathing.

“You know?” he asked hoarsely.

“Of course.” she spat. “The moment right before the meeting with the High Lords. You felt it too. I know you did.”

“I...wasn’t sure you had. I didn’t want to pressure you.”

“You  _idiot_.” she snarled and started punching him on every bit of him she could find. “That’s -- when -- everything --  _changed_! We became  _more_!”

Cassian took her punches like a champ, considering they felt like nothing to him. He glanced at her in her fury then quickly grabbed her hands, halting her attack.

They locked eyes, the intensity between them hot enough, it could’ve melted the snow surrounding them. And for all her wrath, for all her anger and spite -- it all died down when he looked at her that way.

Softly, tenderly, so full of love.

“I’m sorry.” he said again. “I’m sorry that I was a misguided coward, choosing to think that staying away from you would be easier for us both.”

She froze and he continued.

“I’m sorry that I let you think for one moment, that I wasn’t deeply and hopelessly in love with you. Because I am.” he said. “I see all of you. All your rage and all your love. I see your heart, Nesta. And I want it all. I love you and would be honored to be your mate till the darkness dies. If you’ll have me.”

Nesta stared at him and felt her whole body trembling, her composure crumbling. She shook her head.

“I...I -- ” she took a deep breath and looked at him. “I’m sorry that I was a coward too...and I’m sorry for all the mean things I said. I -- I don’t know how to do this. I want it all. I want it with you. But I’m scared -- I’m  _terrified_  -- I --”

Cassian cut her off, taking both her hands in his again, his wings fluttering behind him. “I’m scared too. But we’ll figure it out together.” he said so softly and silver lined her eyes again.

It took her a moment to speak and when she did, her voice was barely a whisper.

“Will you be patient with me?” she asked, sniffling. “You won’t...leave?”

Cassian smiled at her tenderly, curling a hair behind her ear. He leaned down and kissed away at her tears, causing Nesta to shudder.

“We’ll go as slow as you need, love.” he said gently. “I’m here with you, Nesta. I want it all. They could drag my body away in pieces and I’d still try to find my way back to you.”

Nesta pulled back and looked Cassian over. This was real. He was here. He was her mate. And he wanted to stay. Her eyes drank him in and he watched her with a small smile on his face.

“I love you.” she said quietly and she felt him melt in her hands.

Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her close to him and before she knew it, his lips were on hers. Their kiss was everything she had wanted and dreamed about since the moment his lips were on her neck all that time ago. Her fingers fisted around the front of his tunic and gripped, not wanting to let him go as she deepened the kiss. One of Cassian’s hands came up to the back of her neck as he dipped her back lightly, their kiss becoming all tongue and light bites and Nesta fought back a moan.

When Cassian’s lips moved to her neck, goosebumps erupted on her body and a soft whimper escaped her lips.

“Cassian.” she whispered and slowly -- very slowly, Cassian came to a stop and pulled her back upright, their hands still firmly wrapped around each other.

He gave her a smirk. “Guess you picked which good stuff you wanted to try first, huh Nes?”

She narrowed her eyes at him causing his smirk to turn into a grin. “Don’t make me smack you senseless, you intolerable bat.”

“You’ve already knocked me off my feet, oh mighty Nesta. Go for it.” he challenged and a small smile found it’s way to her lips. Nesta stared at him again and he gave her a sweet smile in return.

Leaning up, she cupped his face gently then placed a soft kiss on his lips, then another, and then another.

“Till the darkness dies?” she repeated to him and he leaned down to give her a tender kiss.

“Till darkness dies, sweetheart.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome :)))


End file.
